Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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