haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
