Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
