I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
