He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Randomize