Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
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