Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Randomize
