when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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