Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
