i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
