Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
please come you make the beer taste better
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
