just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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