i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
