A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
