I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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