my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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