apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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