I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Randomize
