Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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