next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
