I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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