I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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