Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
