Jerry, you need to find god
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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