i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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