I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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