dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
