Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
where are you?
Hypothermia
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
