all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
