Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
