i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
