I can tuck mytits in my pants
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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