I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
