you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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