i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
