having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
