if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
