what if every blade of grass was a penis?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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