She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I have fence marks all over my body
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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