I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
He has the fingertips of a God
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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