Just fell off a train. Bad.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
