Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Randomize
