just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
