Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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