So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I met the friendliest cop last night
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
