He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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