I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize