So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
