I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
