Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
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