hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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