Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
