and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
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