i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Randomize
