I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
