how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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