We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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