The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Randomize
