I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Randomize
