I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
