She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
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